Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
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