I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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