He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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