I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
