I think scott just propositioned me for sex
im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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