i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
