you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
Randomize
