just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
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