isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
