i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
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