As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
