I wish my penis had an off switch
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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