you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
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Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
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After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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