I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
