Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
