I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
