yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
