Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
