I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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