I think my vagina is haunted
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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