i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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