My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
