I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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