Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
