where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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