I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
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My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
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A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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