I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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