I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
