He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
