Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Come on in and take your pants off
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