im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
