i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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