i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
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