We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
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if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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