you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
