1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
