the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
