Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Randomize
