Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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