Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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