The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
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