I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
