Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
We are two peas in an std pod
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
pray to the hookup gods
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
