I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
