actually, I'm a sock model
ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
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