Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
