i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
