if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
I’m planning a Pharmasutra for the first night after the pandemic ends
Pharmasutra?
Me + Chris + cocktails + viagra = night of orgasms
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