I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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