So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
