so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
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I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
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Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
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