i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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