I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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