Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
