I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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