i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
