my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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