If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
