You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
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