i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Randomize
