My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
