She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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